Pondering Graduation and Celebrating Teens by Dr. Laurie Johnson, LPC

Pondering Graduation and Celebrating Teens

Before you read this, let me make a confession. One of my pieces of advice to writers is crass but wise: "Poop it out then let it cool. Never judge it before it cools." I am neglecting this advice in favor of being timely. Also, because I readily admit that I am WUI... Writing under the Influence of emotions and longings. So here goes. My attempt to capture Graduation 2015 in a manner that does justice to my affection and present afflictions.

                               

 Pondering Graduation and Celebrating Teens  

                      by Dr. Laurie Johnson, LPC

              In my line of work, I am graced to meet lots of people of all ages from all walks of life.  Many of them are teenagers who inspire me deeply as they chop an authentic, but often lonely trail through the Adolescent Jungle. Once in a while, a young soul comes along who walks a rather quiet path, but leaves behind him or her a magnificent trail blazed with blood, sweat, tears and often, belly laughter. I celebrate those trails, but not just because they served to get my cherished teen friends from youth to adulthood. I celebrate them, because those trails often serve as routes of relief and escape for the other "quiet ones" who need them badly and deserve them mightily.

            For the last sixteen years, I've sent my kids to an institution that's been around for over a hundred years. When I first discovered it, I came to its gates wide-eyed and heart-full, and tenderly gave my most precious possession into its care. The most wonderful soul I've known, Janice Cox, welcomed my five year old son into her room and into her heart. To this day, she is much like the T.A.R.D.I.S.--bigger on the inside than the outside. Her heart is like Hermione's purse, always filled with whatever you need most.

Our beloved Janice Cox

                        

            When I took that first mother's step toward giving the world to my child, and my child to the world, I was a wreck. Without a mother or sister to hold my hand as I let go of my firstborn, I desperately needed someone to fortify me. I got that and more, in the teacher who would become my "face of Darlington." I prayed for a teacher who would love my eccentric son, as the unique spirit he was. He had thrived in Miss Laurie School. I wanted his hunger for knowledge to be welcomed and his keen intellect to be embraced. I wanted his childlike spirit to be shielded from the toughening that can happen around kids so intent on jockeying for power that they bruise classmates. I wanted his soul nurtured. I wanted his trust in a loving Heavenly Father fed. I wanted to know he was in the hands and heart of a true teacher. He was. To add to my joy, that teacher went on to fortify me through years of parenting. She welcomed my other three children whether or not they were assigned to her classroom. Her heart had room for them all. Two sons and two daughters of mine know her as a precious teacher and guide whose love comforts them and compels them toward excellence, to this day!

Mrs. Cox's Cubs on a field trip to Possom Trot!

              

            As I sit here and think about how grateful I am to that teacher, who served as an "other mother" to my kids as well as to me, my mind and heart are flooded with faces of people who have brought joy and wisdom to my family. Today, I attended Darlington's 110th Commencement. While there, I saw many faces of adults who have loved my kids forward to adulthood. I saw many teens who have tripled my faith in humankind. Among those youthful faces, are some who have risked to let me on the inside, and have honored me with their trust. I celebrate those teens. I am humbled by all they have confided in me, questioned with me, denounced to me, searched for with me, and erected in front of me. Especially, by what they have erected. I can't wait to see how their dreams unfurl.

            When kids are little, we give them building blocks, followed by Legos and other construction sets. Sometimes, we provide them with guidance and instructions. Sometimes we wisely back off and discover how clever and creative they can be once we curb our interference. Unfortunately, it is terribly tempting to sweep down with instructions in order to  direct and even over-direct what our kids construct. That applies, whether they are five years old, or fifteen, or nearing Graduation. With Graduation fresh on my heart and mind, this makes me pause.

                                      

Time passes swiftly...

                                             

            Think about it. When we send kids to school, we give them a variety of building blocks, a structured classroom and even a daunting playground. Our children discover that they must learn to read and write and count objects. Later, they must memorize things and calculate equations. In high school, they must recite things, analyze things, and construct things, usually in a singular and unforgiving format.

            We presume this is how one builds an adult mind and a good citizen. We prep and shape and grade and lecture them into students who reflect well on family and school. We cut and coach and train and holler on the field or court or diamond, to make them the athletes who will reflect well on family and school. We costume, choreograph, conduct, and contain our artists, to exhibit what will reflect well on family and school. We prod, pamper, bribe, or shame them toward a great GPA, high class rank, solid SAT, and college acceptance (preferably a choice Scholarship)  that will bring honor to family and school. And then, on Graduation Day, we tear up as they walk across the stage, either because we're proud of who they became or we're scared that there are some obvious missing pieces and priorities. We throw parties or attend parties, where our kids are presented as the key witness to our parenting and command of etiquette. I am happy for our teens to be celebrated. I am thrilled for their hard work to be recognized. But, part of me fears that many of our teens' maturity is overestimated because we so badly want to believe that they are poised for success. So many of them are dressed for the part, but do they really have the clarity and fortitude to exercise good choices under bad pressure? 

            While I will never be considered seriously as an etiquette guru, fashion setter, or debutante type, I'm okay with that. What I am known for, is being a truth teller. I am about to offer some truth, but it is not pretty, dainty, fashion forward, or popular. But, I never worry about my popularity, so here goes.

Silver Lake reflections

            Graduation is hours past for us, but still lingers on the horizon for others. After Graduation concludes, there is a very popular way to celebrate exiting high school: The famous Senior Trip. I'm just going to be blunt. What I have to say about most mildly chaperoned Senior Trips is this: Don't.

              Don't...what? Don't let your 17 or 18 year old go. Why? Because when most kids pack for it, they leave out much of the "critical thinking" that was hammered into and expected out of them, by high school teachers. Regardless of whether our teens graduate from private school or public, whether they live in the South or the Midwest, when many  graduates leave on a graduation trip, they leave most of their safety and sensibility behind. But, the other parents are okay with that, so you should be okay with it, too, right? After all, in a few months, sons and daughters will be away at college with fake ID's, enjoying the "best years of their lives." Might as well mishandle freedom now. Besides, it is a rite of passage to throw caution and character to the wind, while one revels in adult vices as the reward of making it to Graduation. Right? Wrong!

            Unless we say otherwise, our  high school graduates are likely to get this message from parents: "Celebrate! Party! Bring on the  red solo cups, selfies and uninhibited hedonism and relish the next phase of life. Be an adult!"

                     

             After all, being an AP Scholar, acing the ACT, topping 200 service hours, and being Class officer or team captain, means our graduates are made of magic stuff that can repel risks of being arrested as well as alcoholism, STDs, anxiety issues, date rape, depression, loneliness, suicidal moments, untimely pregnancy, a gaming addiction and chemical dependency. Right? Wrong.

              We put our kids in elementary school, push them through middle school, and pull them through high school. Naturally, our kids are prepared for life after graduation. They endured sex education during Health Class and sat through Character Education. They cultivated altruism through obligatory community service. They wowed somebody in the college admissions department. Our job is done! Throw wide the doors and pass them the credit card and keys. Life is waiting with open arms! Right?

Horrors! Teens do dangerous things? Heck yeah, they do. Don't assist them.

            I mention these sobering realities at the risk of being considered a party pooper. (It won't be the first time!) My sobriety about these subjects, comes from hearing and seeing the scars that come from kids launched carelessly. There  are things a thousand times more important than my mediocre social standing. Right this minute, those "things" are our kids. My graduate. Your graduate. Last year's graduate. Next year's graduates. Those guys and girls who looked so grown up at Prom, weeks ago, and who look so sharp at Graduation. As a psychologist and a mom, may I say that days from now, these teens still NEED you to keep steering them toward adulthood. They need a mom, dad, or step-parents, who will still say "No," when their physical or emotional safety is at risk. No matter how popular the attraction is, or how comfortable other adults are with being more permissive or laissez faire or looking the other direction.

Graduation concludes. Life lessons don't.

            Sure, teens they think that turning 18 liberated them from the laws of nature and family policies. They think that Graduation adorned them with savvy and indestructibility. They presume now that special privileges are permanent. That special favors and provisions are entitlements you owe them. It is the air they breathe--this sense of entitlement. You are the community's last hope for curbing that way of thinking. Your child's future in-laws will appreciate it, if you do that. Potential divorce attorneys will not--they'd rather your son or daughter stay on the path of indulgence and bottomless credit because that will keep them in business. Correcting that course is up to you.

            Why? Because school didn't teach your newly adult children everything they need to know.  And some of what the culture of your school taught your children, is worth unlearning.

            So, please… Everyone around you may be heaving a great sigh of relief that the Class of  2015 is  prepped and polished to face the world. Don't count on it. Other parents may be puffing with pride about the college life that shines on their child's horizon. They may be oblivious that  going "downtown" or "uptown" or across town, is more risk than revelry. There is a strong risk that gettting wasted and "living it up" at college can plant fertile seeds of drug and alcohol dependency, promiscuity, self-loathing, and disillusionment. Especially for kids who have yet to discover their voice or use it, assertively. Especially for kids who have yet to  exercise their mind for independent thinking or harness the courage to walk the path less travelled. Did that get taught along with Calculus, World History or time splits?

                                                           

            When along the way, did your child discover his or her voice? When did he or she summon the courage to use it? Did he or she ever use it, to step up as a bystander and shut down a bully? If that was not  in the school curriculum, did you make sure to teach that at home, for everyone's benefit? Is your teen an advocate for others? Or, god forbid,  is your son or daughter a bully? Do you honestly know for sure? Don't presume that anti-bullying programs at school were successful. We adults have read too many tragic stories of bullycides happening to high school and college students.

                                                 

    

Follow the leader...where?

            When along the way, did your teen learn to think for himself or herself? To choose something close to his or her heart, rather than to follow the crowd? School life often teaches kids to lay low. Social politics whisper "Don't make waves." Kids know the term "social suicide" because it is real. Hang out with the wrong person, say the wrong thing--or the right thing at the wrong time or to the wrong crowd--and you'll be ostracized. Shunned. My family knows that firsthand, from times when my kids failed the Fit In test at school. One son was shunned for three weeks, by almost the entire 8th grade class, for calling attention to a boy who'd been abusive to a girl. The other son was forbidden to give his President's speech at 8th grade graduation, because he wanted to boldly  acknowledge that middle school years can be tough but life will get better. That speech wasn't considered appropriate. Rather than water down his message, he declined the chance to address his peers. That made me proud. And sad. Because if there is any group of people who need to hear that life gets better, it is awkward, gawky, self-rejecting, anxious 8th graders staring into the headlights of high school. 

Celebrate what your Teen loves...

            Failing theFit In test can sting. Kids can add to the misery of it. Teachers can add to the misery of it. Yet, kids and teachers can come to the rescue, also. My son, who was shunned in 8th grade by his class, went on to give a Senior Speech that sensitized students and teachers alike, to the underground realities of bullying at school. He also illustrated, with humor and poignancy, the challenges of having ADHD.  That made me proud. And sad. Sad, because the kids who came to apologize to him, didn't have to wait four years to do that.

            My other son, who was censored from having the chance to exhort his peers about the hope of better days ahead, also made a comeback. He went on to write authentic blogs and plays and award winning essays--each  with an element of speaking to the unspoken, naming the unnamed, and challenging others to look past rules and roles in order to discover the skin that really, truly fits. Did it cost him  along the way? Yes. Would selling out, in order to pass the Fit In test, have also cost him something? No doubt. I am proud and sad that he chose to be authentic and that he bucked  the rules in order to be real. Proud, because that is gutsy. Sad, because there are still so many kids yet to love the person  they see in the mirror. I'm comforted though, by the certainty that he'll continue to cut a path through convention and convenience. He just will. He is a truth seeker. He is a trailblazer.

                                    

The best gifts are...friends.

            At the opening of this essay, I was going to mention a certain young man who inspired me by the way he chopped through the Adolescent Jungle and left a trail for others to find.  Yet, I need to make a distinction. He is not the type to want to be followed. He's not the type to call attention to his contributions. He's not the type to haggle for what's legitimately his. He prizes learning, above education. To my chagrin during high school, it was usually learning about stuff other than what was in his text books that kept his passion ablaze. His broad shoulders often bore the weight of quiet people, girls and guys, and even some adults who need to talk, or stomp, or cry to someone who "gets it." He's a listener, more than a speaker, but when he speaks, he commands the room. He's misknown by many people as an easygoing guy,  when in actuality, he rarely goes easy on himself. 

            In high school, he was not always considered among the top tier "smartest" students, yet his wisdom was often sought out by those who appreciate an old soul or bold new ideas. Thankfully, he's not chomping at the bit to party and let loose, because he's seen friends struggle with those temptations. He's held the hearts of friends who travelled dark paths made worse by drinking and being heedless to harm. Seeing the heartaches, scars and shadows of those painful lessons learned has made him leery of false promises and reckless adventure.

                     He's not likely to show his affection and vulnerability, but it is there. Since elementary school he's offered safe haven to outsiders and wanderers. He's been a mystery, an advocate, a counselor, a sage, a smartass, a rebel, and a shepherd. I think that how you see this young man, speaks volumes about who you really are, and what is really within you. He comforts the hurting. He makes the comfortable a bit nervous. He has a lot to bring this world, ready or not.

            I am glad he crossed my path. I am better for that. He is not a pleaser. He didn't strive toward the brass rings that are popular in my community. He doesn't share my political views or spiritual identity. He is his own person. That makes me proud and sad. Proud that he is independent and authentic.  Sad, because naturally I feel like I've found the answers I want him to find. There will be time for that. In the end, I know he'll have made this world a much better place. In the meantime, it has kept me humble to have a trailblazer in the family.

            At times, his trailblazing has not reflected well on family or school. But, do you know what? Sometimes, that was an indication that our family had the need to grow, and that school needed to stretch. I am proud to know this teen. I am excited for the trail he'll blaze in college. I'm moved, when I think that he'll leave a path behind him, where other searchers can find a trail wide enough for who they are.

            Some people in high school got glimpses of his soul. Some cherished it. Some shaped it. Some bruised it. Some learned a thing or two from him. I learned a lot from him. I expect that I will learn a lot more from him. Some kids make okay students, but great teachers. This student, was one of those…for those brave enough to learn.

                                                      

             I appreciate a soul who makes me grow. I appreciate a soul who makes me question my answers and answer with what is in my heart, not just in my head. It is not always easy to dance with someone who freestyles. I like my ballroom formulas. I like the beat that's easy to dance to. But, this young man has cause me to hear new music. To appreciate new steps. To grasp that there is so much more for me to learn. I am so glad that he is one of those special teens who will continue to widen my eyes and open my heart.

             I'd love to hug every teen who I've gotten to know well in my son's Class of 2015. I'd like to tell them, "Don't graduate! Stick around!" but I know they have new widows on the world to pry open.  When they do,  I hope to peek in with affection and admiration because I have so much to learn and I want to celebrate their discoveries. Life with teens is an incredible adventure. I am sad to see this part of the journey come to a close. But, I am proud, proud, proud to know these spectacular humans. And to that graduate that I love most of all, I say Thanks, Abraham. It has been a joy to watch you shine. The only sadness you bring me…is that we can't do it all over again!