Shrink Rap with Dr. J
"What is your Mentality: First Things First...or Next Thing Next?" Choose well, Because You are Choosing the Quality of your Life!
Backstage with Dr. Laurie Johnson, LPC
Here we are, at year's end. That nostalgic peak of Winter when the holidays loom ahead with poignant memories and panicked To Do lists. December brings a dozen months to conclusion. Is there enough to show for our efforts? Or do "New Year Resolutions" of 2016 threaten to smirk at us with a silent sneer of "Oh, that one again? Go for it! You've only been making that resolution for the last 5 years!" Midyear Graduations, Good-byes and “Good Luck” wishes, Hallmark sighs and Norman Rockwell social standards can catch us off guard.
With this in mind, I’ve been pondering how easy it is to get caught in an undertow of demands and lose sight of what matters most in life. To borrow from Stephen Covey, different activities rank higher or lower in significance and urgency on our plate, however that does not always dictate how we attend to them! Some activities, in my opinion, are nothing more than distractions we seek, in order to avoid daunting responsibilities or tedious tasks on our “To Do” lists. It is easy to let our focus shift from the “prize” to the “surprise,” such as an unexpected phone call, interesting online trivia, the latest text, or the newest trend. At the time, it may seem like a welcome relief, but when the day winds down, we can find ourselves regretting moments that will never come again. Fresh realization of this has compelled me to “mind my moments” and focus on living life according to a “First Things First” principle, instead of by my former “Next Thing Next” policy.
There’s nothing like the clarity that comes with finality. Once the final brush is stroked over the canvas of our lives, who we were and what we loved (signified in measures of time, investment, and passion) and how we faced the storms of life, are captured and concluded. In my case, the clock is striking midnight, in the dance of motherhood with my son, Hiram. As an adult, he’ll look to me for mentoring, a mother’s love, and unique friendship. But the season of lending a potter’s hand, to steady and shape him, is over. While I’m gratified at the gentle man he’s become, I wish I could find the “replay” button and share the journey with him, all over again. All except the bullying he endured. And the broken heart. And the lessons I wish could have been delayed a decade or two. But, the truth is, even if it meant enduring those tough times again—I’d jump at the time of reliving that grand adventure with Hiram.
Had I the chance of a do-over, I’d concentrate more fiercely on exercising that “First Things First” mentality, and I’d fight the compulsion to settle for the “Next Thing Next” mindset. Since I can’t have a second go at it, I’ll commit to 4 ways of attending to the “First Things First” orientation, as I commit to better minding my moments with my three children who remain at home! While I can be certain we’ll have share many zany adventures, this is how I’ll improve my response to momentary crises and minor catastrophes! These tips might help you, as well!
First, when I feel my jaws tense, my shoulders creep above my ears, and my voice raise in volume and octave, I’ll ask myself, “Did anyone die? Is anyone going to die because of this?” Most likely, the answer will be “No, not hardly.” I’m pretty sure that clarifier will help me calm down and regain perspective, so I can better attend to the task before me, whether formidable, frustrating, or fearsome.
Second, when flustered, I’ll ask myself, “Is this my problem?” I strongly believe in what I call the “interpersonal firewall” philosophy, which inclines me to relate to people according to my firsthand experience with them. It involves a practice of interpersonal boundaries. Translated bluntly, it clarifies that “Your beef is not my bone to chew.” For example, if I get hot under the collar because of an issue between you and a third party, I shall back out. It is your problem to address and not my cue for tag-teaming. This policy is very challenging for “fixers” in a family, but I can assure you, it can optimize mental health in the immediate and extended family!
Third, when I realize I’m tied in knots about something, I’ll stop and listen. Not necessarily to the conversation—it may be better for me to attune myself to hear surrounding sounds like birds and jet planes outside, or clock ticking and cat purring indoors. Choosing to exit a moment of upset, by shifting our attention to one of our physical senses, can actually bring us back to our senses! Too often, we can get so caught up in drama that we lose sleep or forget to eat. As to the latter—my kids have learned to offer me a snack when I start acting “hangry!” Our brains work better when our body is comforted! Pausing to pay attention to natural sounds, may help us choose better words and actions, after we’ve taken a breather. It will help us achieve the “First Things First” priorities, rather than leave us poised to say and do those things that burn bridges and bruise morale.
Fourth, I’ll remember the mantra, “This too shall pass.” Often in my experience, that has translated into “This shall pass—too fast!” Times of hardship can forge strong bonds, invite deeper intimacy, and can remind us how fragile and wondrous is the gift of life. Remembering that tomorrow is not promised, helps us keep today in better focus. Affirmations like “I love you” can’t wait until tomorrow. Withholding “I’m proud of you” should not be delayed until some committee, institution, or panel marks their seal of approval. Our loved ones deserve to know their labors matter and their efforts count! While it is gratifying to see high school and college graduates lauded by peers or faculty, it very likely that we alone know the blood, sweat, and tears it cost them to achieve their goals. So, take time to adequately praise and acknowledge them!
Looking back at the amazing adventure I had, sharing my son’s journey to adulthood, I’ll be forever grateful that we celebrated everything from macaroni sculptures, to seeing his first novel in print. When he entered Janice Cox’s kindergarten, I knew he was off to a good start. I knew she’d challenge, nurture, and appreciate him. Her gifts as a master teacher helped him chart the course that lead him to Commencement—which we all know translates, “a beginning.”
I’m thankful that each of us has the means to take our own exit from the harried “Next Thing Next” expressway, to the “First Things First” highway, and embark on whatever journey lies ahead of us. May your tears this season, be of joy and expectation as you lock your sights on those goals that matter most! May we mind our moments well!
For more"Skills for Living" join Dr. Laurie Johnson bi-weekly on TalkRadio WLAQ 1410.
